Friday, August 14, 2020

When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage

When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on January 26, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on January 26, 2020 Ghislain Marie David de Lossy/The Image Bank/Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse It can be devastating when you think youve found Mr. or Ms. Right and your parents think he or she is all wrong for you. If youre close to your parents, you want their approval when taking this big step, but you also want to remain loyal to the person youre committing to spending the rest of your life with. The upshot: Youre torn with a capital T. Heres what to do (and not do) should you find yourself in this sticky situation. Talk (and Listen) to Your Parents Have a frank conversation with your folks about why they dont like your partner or approve of your union. Calmly and respectfully allow them to voice their objections. It may turn out that they just havent had enough of a chance to really get to know him or her. Or maybe their opposition is based on a misunderstanding of some sort. If you can get to the bottom of the problem, you may be able to reassure them that your fiance will make an ideal spouse. Conversely, theres also the possibility that your parents have a legitimate issue with your fiance: Maybe he or she has cheated on you in the past or has been too controlling or demanding. You may realize your parents concerns are valid and that you should seriously consider themâ€"and maybe talk them over with a trusted friend or family member to get their take. The bottom line: You may not like what your parents are saying about your significant other, but unless you have strong evidence otherwise (for instance, maybe theyre prejudiced against people or his or her race or religion), you should give them the benefit of the doubt that their advice comes from a place of love and protection of you. Allow Them to Get to Know Your Significant Other Better If you think more together time might help your parents become more comfortable with your partner and see him or her as you do, look for and encourage such opportunitiesâ€"invite them out to dinner or to a religious service or sporting event. Encourage your partner to discuss childhood memories, dreams, and goals, so your parents can get to know him or her better. Seeing the two of you together and witnessing your love can help convince them that your fiance will be a supportive and committed life partnerâ€"and a son- or daughter-in-law they can gladly welcome into the family. Consider Counseling An objective third party, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist or clergy member, may be very helpful in getting all of you to improve communication and find viable solutions to this disagreement.  A counselor can also help facilitate the forming of a new family structure that includes your spouse. Another option: You and your partner might agree to attend premarital counseling or an Engaged Encounter weekend. This may help alleviate your parents fears that youre marrying too quickly, marrying for the wrong reasons, marrying too young, or marrying the wrong person. Plan for the Future If your parents continue to dislike your spouse even  after your marriage, talk about the boundaries  and limits you both need to set in your relationship with your parents so their disapproval doesnt become a wedge between you and your spouse. Decide together, for instance, whether or not your spouse will attend your family gatherings or visit your parents with you. Just dont allow your spouse to distance you from your parents. If you choose to attend functions and events alone (or with your children) in order to protect your spouse, thats one thing. But realize that isolating you from friends and family is a red flag in your marriage. Tactics to Avoid Dont use emotional blackmail on your parents to get them to come aroundâ€"even if theres a pregnancy involved and youre a minor who needs their legal consent to marry. Try to understand your folks willingness to be disliked by you as a sign of their love for you. Realize that if you and your partner are truly in love, waiting a few years to get married wont destroy your  love for one  another.Dont allow your parents reservations to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse. Studies show that parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism, and conflict in a marriage.?? It can also be a recurring topic of your arguments that can drive a wedge between you both.  If this happens, consider  seeing  a marriage counselor.  Dont permit the conflict to escalate to the point of destroying your relationship with your parents. Consider the consequences of a long-term estrangement from your parents and possibly your grandparents, siblings, and other extended family  me mbers. Realize that holding grudges and anger can harm your own health as well.Dont ignore second thoughts. If youre having reservations about your relationship, postpone your wedding until youre confident youre making the right decision. Be assured that its less traumatic to call off a wedding than it is to get a divorce. A Word From Verywell A parent who disapproves of your partner choice is not a new concept. It is, however, a painful one. Part of growing up involves making your own choices based on the values you have been raised with. Dont expect your parents to embrace someone who has an addiction, is dependent on you, hurts you in any way, or treats you with disrespect. But, if there are some concerns that can be ironed out, you and your partner as a team can make a big effort to do your part in improving the situation.

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